I miss New Zealand. I miss the crisp freshness of the morning dew as beads of crystal coated the mesh of my tent and the tip of my tongue as I awoke in what felt like a different mountain range each day.
I miss New Zealand. I miss the freedom of living in a country completely alone. I miss the consistent awareness required when traveling solo. I miss never sleeping in one place more than a few nights. I miss the solitude.
I miss New Zealand. I miss the green. The many vivid shades of neon nature manifested. The hills coated in wildflowers of a tasteful color palate. The massive trees which formed thick canopies over all space that wasn't farmland. The rolling green hills spotted with white sheep and black cattle, emanating peace and serenity.
I miss New Zealand. The physical and emotional challenges each day presented. I miss hiking range after range, day after day, week after week. I miss the bush. Nothing compares to the self discovery walking hundreds of miles alone provides. I miss not having the urge to run from myself. I miss the silence, the silence which created space for thought.
I miss New Zealand. I miss massaging my aching muscles each night by the light of a hut stove, or the light of the full moon through my tent. I miss my bruises and blisters and tired eyes and aloneness in the Universe. I miss the vast expansion of night sky as the Milky Way and I talked each night. I miss the smallness and insignificance of self I felt and the peace that accompanied these realizations. The acceptance of self. Of situation. Of life.
I miss New Zealand. The simplicity of it all. The single outfit I owned, the backpack which was my home. The lack of physical possessions which in turn filled and satisfied me tenfold what any of my "possessions" here, could. I miss my porridge each dawn, my muesli bars in the afternoon sun, and my rice and beans under the starry night sky. The taste of dirt from cleaning my pot with the Earth, the Earl Grey tea following each meal that would revitalize my senses and warm my soul. I miss the bitter instant black coffee, free in every hostel.
I miss New Zealand. I miss only being able to travel to where I could walk, hitchhike, or bus to. I miss seeing everything from foot. I miss meeting people by the kindness of their hearts, rather than the "social norm" or societal expectation. I miss being welcomed into stranger's cars and homes and hearts. Each experience bringing with it the reminder that appearances are hardly ever what they seem, that the vast majority of humanoids are kind, loving, giving beings, and that trust is not necessarily a hurtful experience.
I miss New Zealand. I miss pushing myself to what felt like my limit, crying each day and in exchange experiencing the opportunity to walk across the literal tops of mountain ranges, with not another soul in sight. Beholding the most captivating beauty that could possibly exist.
I miss New Zealand. I miss the absence of expectations. The months void of worry for pleasing anyone but myself, the freedom of days spent squandered however I chose, the pure selfishness of it all. Traveling solo, one cannot help but taste the sweetness of selfishness, and I would wager that one cannot avoid enjoying that focus on self. Discovering, perhaps, that fulfilling one's own desires is not necessarily a negative aspiration.
I miss New Zealand. I miss the manifestation each and every day of a childhood dream. I miss the healing energy of that Earth. I miss the untouched magic of it all. The cosmic kindness of the people. The romance I discovered in the solace of the South Island Alps. I miss traveling. Experiencing new expanses of Earth each day, following no timetable whatsoever, moving with rotation of the sun, moon and stars.
With all of this longing, as I sit here looking out over the abnormally green mountainous ranges of my own desert home, I am reminded there are a few things I do not miss.
I do not miss the heartache and pain I traveled to that country with. I do not miss the anguish that an unwillingness to accept oneself brings. I do not miss the feelings of un-fulfillment brought about by consistently seeking happiness outside myself. I do not miss my self-degrading habitual thought patterns and tendency to self-destruct. I do not miss the heaviness I carried to New Zealand, both in my heart and in the form of titanium possessions. All of which I let go into the Earth and the Ocean.
As I was flying away, leaving the land which had become so sacred to me, a place I felt I could stay forever, I had a realization that, for me, was one of the most profound realizations of all. I gazed through the oval plexi-glass of that plane and shed a tear. As my last teardrop of my healing journey fell, I felt a sudden surge of strength.
I went to New Zealand 6 months ago with the belief, or hope, that something was there for me. I left my home country, believing that because my soul had felt called to that land for years and years, that must equate that something was there, something I could not discover anywhere else. I believed the land would heal me. That I would be given unmatched happiness. A happiness I could not discover without New Zealand.
As I flew toward all the uncertainties of returning home, high in the sky above that beautiful green landscape, I saw that New Zealand did not "give" me anything. Instead, it took from me. It took all of those beliefs and feelings I earlier mentioned, which I now do not miss in the least. It took my insecurities, my pain, my guilt, my sadness. I gave up all my clinging to comfort, and New Zealand soaked in my misery and dispersed of it so gracefully. I saw that I always "had" the tools I needed to heal, within myself. That self-love, and peace, had always resided within me. That the lands of New Zealand simply created a space within, with which I could access and recognize all of this.
It was the most beautiful realization. To see so clearly that each one of us do possess the ability to manifest the energy we desire for ourselves. That within each of us resides an ability to love, forgive, and heal - in a way unmatched by any outer method. We simply, (and conversely - challengingly,) must take a step back from the madness. From the chaos. From the fabricated expectations of society we decide to buy into.
As I was flying away, leaving the land which had become so sacred to me, a place I felt I could stay forever, I had a realization that, for me, was one of the most profound realizations of all. I gazed through the oval plexi-glass of that plane and shed a tear. As my last teardrop of my healing journey fell, I felt a sudden surge of strength.
I went to New Zealand 6 months ago with the belief, or hope, that something was there for me. I left my home country, believing that because my soul had felt called to that land for years and years, that must equate that something was there, something I could not discover anywhere else. I believed the land would heal me. That I would be given unmatched happiness. A happiness I could not discover without New Zealand.
As I flew toward all the uncertainties of returning home, high in the sky above that beautiful green landscape, I saw that New Zealand did not "give" me anything. Instead, it took from me. It took all of those beliefs and feelings I earlier mentioned, which I now do not miss in the least. It took my insecurities, my pain, my guilt, my sadness. I gave up all my clinging to comfort, and New Zealand soaked in my misery and dispersed of it so gracefully. I saw that I always "had" the tools I needed to heal, within myself. That self-love, and peace, had always resided within me. That the lands of New Zealand simply created a space within, with which I could access and recognize all of this.
It was the most beautiful realization. To see so clearly that each one of us do possess the ability to manifest the energy we desire for ourselves. That within each of us resides an ability to love, forgive, and heal - in a way unmatched by any outer method. We simply, (and conversely - challengingly,) must take a step back from the madness. From the chaos. From the fabricated expectations of society we decide to buy into.
A 4 month solo backpacking expedition through New Zealand is not necessary for accessing our individual healing abilities and self-love, by any means. We all walk singular paths of reaching our healing moon and sun, and no one journey is the same.
Isn't that part of the beauty of the human experience? That no two people, or lives, are the same? That we all see the world through such varied eyes, such exquisite hearts, and yet continue to share the experience of a universal longing for peace, love, acceptance, appreciation.
Though I miss New Zealand every day, I can choose to create space for adventure and newness, solace and silence, self-love and acceptance, romance with the mountains and my partner, all right here, in my own desert state, which I call home. I can cherish my memories of my trek through New Zealand in my heart for the rest of my life, continuing to learn and to grow from them, as I continue to experience life and reflect back, every occurrence can hold something new.
I love life. I love experiences. Both the ones which hurt and the ones which pleasure... Quite often being one in the same. I love the unknown of the future, the pure simplicity residing within each moment. If we simply choose to look. I overflow with gratitude to be back in my country safe, unharmed, and creating new memories with my family, friends and partner.
Cheers to finding peace. Wherever we may be.
- Rachel Lee Folkman
Isn't that part of the beauty of the human experience? That no two people, or lives, are the same? That we all see the world through such varied eyes, such exquisite hearts, and yet continue to share the experience of a universal longing for peace, love, acceptance, appreciation.
Though I miss New Zealand every day, I can choose to create space for adventure and newness, solace and silence, self-love and acceptance, romance with the mountains and my partner, all right here, in my own desert state, which I call home. I can cherish my memories of my trek through New Zealand in my heart for the rest of my life, continuing to learn and to grow from them, as I continue to experience life and reflect back, every occurrence can hold something new.
I love life. I love experiences. Both the ones which hurt and the ones which pleasure... Quite often being one in the same. I love the unknown of the future, the pure simplicity residing within each moment. If we simply choose to look. I overflow with gratitude to be back in my country safe, unharmed, and creating new memories with my family, friends and partner.
Cheers to finding peace. Wherever we may be.
- Rachel Lee Folkman