Of the many life topics we discussed this evening, one that permeated my being most was, the concept of “when” we each discovered solitude, and all that solitude entails/means to each of us.
We discussed how it has been in our most “alone” moments in time, that we often are brought back “to ourselves” more… we discussed how it is these moments of solitude, when smart phones, computers, social media, TV, people, all distractions, are put away… that we are brought back to the very essence of ourselves… brought back to that space of knowledge, of remembering, of understanding, of connection, that often we haven’t experienced, since previous lives or states of energetic being.
We all shared our stories of when we discovered this strength… this awareness… in solitude.
The first time I can consciously remember being aware of this, was as a teenager, in a wilderness therapy program. At 15 years old, my parents “sent me” to a wilderness therapy program, where I would proceed to spend the next 8 weeks of my life, experiencing some of the most difficult, and simultaneously most influential, undertakings of my entire life.
During my stay in the wilderness program, we were placed on 3 separate “solos.” A “solo” is where you spend days at a time, completely alone in the wilderness. Staff would check in on us twice/day or so, just to make sure we were still alive, or hadn’t run away (ha ha.) Oftentimes, the staff wouldn’t even speak to us when visiting each of our solo sites, they would simply check in, ensure we had plenty of food and water, then leave.
It was during my first solo, in the mountains of Hannah, Utah, where I first experienced true “solace.” It was when I came to understand what it meant to “be one.” One with myself… all parts of myself, the shadow and the light, one with nature, left to experience and envelop myself in her many mood swings, including sheltering myself from the rain, experiencing floods, shade myself from the midday sun, and bask in the green hilltops of the mountainside I resided upon.
“On Being One.” For years, I experienced many conflicting, oppositional parts of myself. On the one hand, I wanted to be everything my parents had hoped I would be… religious, well-behaved, “lovely, and refined.” On the other hand… I experienced a great longing and curiosity to explore every facet of life… the good, the bad, the ugly, the passionate… all of it. These seemingly conflicting parts of myself brought about a vicious depression, always feeling like I was lacking, depending on which hand I chose to live by that week, that month, that year.
It was only in utter solitude, that I discovered that these parts of myself weren’t conflicting at all. That I could fully experience and immerse myself in every part of my being, holding space for myself in whatever I was experiencing or feeling at the moment.
It was in this complete aloneness, that I discovered my deep and indescribable bond with Mother Nature, with Earth, with soil, with water, with the ever-changing seasons of life.
We talked tonight about the importance of solitude, in learning ourselves… in fully realizing all life has to offer… in appreciating and loving and experiencing the juxtapositions of existence that surround us, on a daily basis.
One concept that was addressed, that I absolutely love, is the idea of how we can become “one with ourselves,” through experiences like solitude. Like aloneness. Like seclusion. Particularly in nature. Because when we are one with nature, we are not truly alone. But rather, we are surrounded by the essence that is life. Surrounded by beauty. By change. By rain. By sunshine. By warmth. By cold. Supported and held, in Mother Nature’s honest, and sometimes brutal, but always beautiful, essence. Cradled in her arms, left to explore all aspects of ourselves, to our heart’s content.
Aaron shared his experiences of living in a Tipi in the wilderness, and the solitude he experienced there. He compared that to his experience of traveling for a year to the land of Taiwan, where he didn’t know the language, the culture, or anyone at all… he talked about how these experiences helped him grow, and shaped him as a person. He talked about the discomfort that comes as a result of growth, of experience… the discomfort of newness. And the sheer and utter beauty he discovered in getting out of his comfort zone.
Ken shared some of his experiences growing up. Left to his own devices as a child and adolescent, with only nature to connect with and draw strength from. He talked about an experience camping alone in the Uintas, where he at one point was genuinely afraid for his life, not knowing if bears, or mountain lions were around… he talked about how he worked through this fear, and once he released this fear, he howled, at the moon. Brave, and loud, and unafraid. He talked about the strength he found in letting go of physical safety, in knowing that his essence, his energy, his spirit, would continue on, regardless of what happened to his physical body.
We discussed the idea of shedding our “safety nets.” Of being willing to live in discomfort. Of being alacritous in creating space for nature to teach us the many lessons she is capable of imparting… in all of our experiences, nature was the ultimate teacher. The instigator of change. The Mother of increased understanding, and connection.
I, currently as I am writing this, find myself reflecting on how seldomly I am enveloped in nature, as of late. I am so caught up in my job, in my students, in my cell phone, in social media, in my depression, that I rarely get out, alone, into nature. I am missing out on so many beautiful life lessons by staying indoors. Rather than having judgement of self regarding that, I instead choose to accept that part of myself… to honor that desire to stay in “safety” … to love and honor myself, exactly where I am at. After all, there is a season for all things.
At the same time, accepting that part of myself, does not equate to staying “stuck” in this space. It is both/and, rather than either/or. I can accept and love myself, AND still commit to a change in lifestyle, to a shift in the amount of time I spend indoors versus outdoors, in coming to a remembrance of how much nature has to teach me, how much potential for growth and increased understanding and vulnerability lies within nature’s powerful quintessence.
It is in moments of solitude, that we have the opportunity, the space, the choice, of self-introspection, at it’s finest. The opportunities to hold that mirror up for ourselves, to see our true reflections, without disguise or obstruction, are undeniably endless. We are so rarely fully “alone” in this life anymore… constantly distracted by our technology, by our community, by our careers… which can all be sacred and beautiful, and all have their own place in the experience of life… at the same time, it is in utter, and sheer, aloneness… that we can come to truly know ourselves. To experience a “oneness” intertwined in all the moving parts of ourselves.
I started this blog during my first solo backpacking trip to the healing and magical land of New Zealand. While there, my longest consecutive hike was 16 days. Over the space of 5-6 days during that walk, I was completely alone. I did not see or interact with another soul. No hikers. No hunters. No one. It was just the vast expansion of wilderness, of mountaintops, of fields, and rivers, and valleys, and I… lost in the limitlessness of it all.
It was during this period of 5-6 days, that I truly experienced “aloneness.” Sure, I spent the large majority of my time alone during my entire stay there, yet I still often saw other hikers, or individuals while staying at hostels, or my NZ family… but to be completely and utterly alone for 5-6 days… taught me some of the greatest lessons of my entire time in New Zealand.
I came to recognize and understand the constant inner-dialogue I had with myself in my head… not talking to anyone, not having cellular service, not even seeing another soul for that long… it truly turns up the volume on our self-talk, inner-dialogue, the stories we tell ourselves, fears and insecurities… I spent much of the time talking to myself… whether encouraging myself to keep going, after physically falling and tripping over trees, or roots, or uneven sections of my walk, or rationalizing fears and insecurities that arose after being alone for so long, or internally processing through my rocky divorce, and all of the pain and anguish I still carried from that, at the time.
I learned to “make peace” with that inner voice… to write about, and reflect on, concepts she was teaching me, to accept even the darkest and most shadow parts of her.
I came to “be one” with myself, again. Integrating, mixing, fully experiencing, the many seemingly controversial parts of myself, just as I had done as a teenager, on my solo, long ago.
I love this concept of “being one” with ourselves. Of being willing to hold that mirror up, both literally and metaphorically, unafraid and unembarrassed. Of being willing to see, accept, love, and reflect upon what we find there.
It is my hope that I make a shift in my life to spending more time, alone, in Mother Nature. To intentionally create, and open up space, for the lessons she still has to teach me. Because they truly are endless.
To those of you who have made it thus far on this post, thank you for reading some of my late-night meanderings of thought. Thank you for listening. Thank you for honoring this space of vulnerability and sharing.
May we all have the experience of becoming “one” with ourselves. We each have that capacity within us. And Mother Nature is ever-present as a guide and facilitator in our individual explorations of change.
<3 Rae